By Irma Shafer
Since I saw it as persecution, ridicule and teasing from schoolmates only proved to me all the more that I was in the right religion. Because of being teased, not only at school but also at home by my own father and two brothers, I had a very low esteem. Being older than my two brothers, I was held responsible for them. So, when they got in trouble, I was disciplined for it-something which I never thought was fair. I felt unloved, so I married at the first chance I got to get away from home.
Viewing marriage as God's arrangement, I took it very seriously but never felt it gave a man license to mistreat his wife. When I approached the elders for advice and counseling concerning my husband's abusive behavior, they told me they couldn't help unless he also came to them for help, even though he was a baptized Witness. After abuse was directed toward our daughter, I left the relationship. Even though I remained a Witness, I felt I was looked down on after I divorced. I felt a lot of rejection, which worsened my self esteem. But I continued to ask myself the same question so many other Witnesses ask themselves: Where else would I go? For years, I had suicidal thoughts, figuring no one cared. I thought that if I did die, I would just be resurrected after Armageddon. Staying alive for my daughter's sake was all that kept me from carrying it out. Since any of Jehovah's Witnesses who went to a "worldly" counselor were viewed as being spiritually weak, very few went for counseling but became very good at masking their feelings. I later remarried and struggled through another abusive relationship; often planning in my mind how I was going to kill myself, believing it was the only way out.
In 1982, while working at a health spa, I met two dear, sweet ladies who were always happy and talking about Jesus. I envied their joy of life and love for God. With my Witness background-and naturally being a skeptic-these ladies really had their work cut out for them. They guided me through my need for forgiveness and explained that the ransom sacrifice was paid for me too. They introduced me to the Jesus presented in Scripture. I learned it was important to serve the right Jesus, according to 2 Corinthians 11:3-4. I also learned that there was a difference between believing "about" Jesus and believing "in" Jesus. When I asked the elders to help me understand the Witness teaching about Jesus being Michael the archangel, they read the three scriptures in Daniel about Michael and then read 1 Thessalonians 4:16, which says "the Lord will descend from heaven with a commanding call, with an archangel's voice." That was it! That is what they based their entire doctrine on. When they could not prove it from Scripture, they became quite hostile because I had questioned them. (It's ironic that even though Witnesses tell others to examine their religion, they can't do it themselves.)
After weeks of debating and "making sure of all things," I turned my life over to Jesus and accepted Him as my personal Savior. When the elders found out I had been studying with born-again Christians, I was quickly disfellowshipped. Those who have been disfellowshipped know that I instantly lost ALL the Witness friends I had, and my immediate family also turned their backs on me. Unfortunately, after refuting just about everything I had believed for 20 years, telling me I had to believe certain doctrines to be saved, these two ladies basically abandoned me after I accepted Jesus. The rejection was unbearable. I felt so all alone; I still had so many questions.
Over the next 12 years, I struggled with what doctrines to believe and felt like I didn't fit anywhere. I was very critical and judgmental. I wasn't sure if I was serving the "right" Jesus, and I still had trouble applying scriptures to my own life because I still felt the Bible was written only for the anointed. I thought if I could understand doctrine correctly that maybe there was still a chance I could find favor with God. Because of my low self esteem, I struggled through several more abusive relationships. I felt I deserved to be punished. I felt like a failure, even as a mother. I began doubting whether God was involved with humans individually, feeling He just let us fend for ourselves. Since my prayers didn't seem to be answered, I drifted away from praying, not knowing who to pray to anymore. Life lost all meaning, and I thought I was beyond forgiveness. In May of 1994, I had a loaded .44 Magnum in my hand ready to put it to my head. The devil had every intention of killing me, but God had His hand of protection on me.
Shortly after that event, I dropped to my knees and cried out to Jesus for help. I began reading a book called The Bondage Breaker, by Neil Anderson. God used that book to open my eyes. At about the same time, I also began reading my Bible, beginning with the book of John. I still only felt comfortable reading the New World Translation, but even it was taking on new meaning. Several verses took on special meaning: "For God loved the world so much that he gave his only begotten Son, in order that everyone exercising faith in him might not be destroyed." (John 3:16) "For the Father judges no one at all, but he has committed all the judging to the Son, in order that all may honor the Son just as they honor the Father. He that does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent him." (John 5:22-23) I was familiar with these scriptures, but the concept of exercising faith in and honoring Jesus was new to me. But it was right there in the New World Translation. Then I read John 5:39-40, which says, "You are searching the Scriptures, because you think that by means of them, you will have everlasting life; and these are the very ones that bear witness about me. And yet you do not want to come to me that you may have life." I felt God was speaking directly to me; that's what I had been doing-trying to understand doctrine as a means to an end in itself. Then I read John 10:16, "And I have other sheep, which are not of this fold, those also I must bring, and they will listen to my voice, and they will become one flock." This scripture was saying there would only be one flock, not two. I began to understand God's love and His purpose for creating all of us.
As I continued reading the New World Translation, I saw so many new things. Romans 8:28 became very real to me. What the devil meant for evil, God used for good. I began seeing how God allows certain things in our lives, not to show Him how we would respond (He already knows that), but to show us where we need to grow. Satan's main objective is to take away our joy and put doubts in our mind. The only power he has is in the lie. He uses accusation, temptation, and deception in an attempt to deceive us into believing his lies. Truth is the liberating agent. I've learned how to dismiss negative thoughts, realizing the source, and knowing that the devil has already been defeated. I've found joy in life, and I no longer have suicidal thoughts! Jesus is now my reason for living.
I've also learned that Satan puts up denominational walls. He loves to cause strife among Christians. We may not all have the exact same doctrine, but we have a common heritage. Yes, it is important that we serve the right Jesus, but we make salvation complicated. Before questioning and debating about any doctrine, ask yourself whether it is essential for salvation. We can concern ourselves so much with refuting doctrines that we forget the basics of sharing Christ's love and encouraging and building each other up. After sharing the need for accepting Christ's ransom and the impact He has on our lives, how about addressing such issues as suicidal thoughts, loneliness, fear, doubt, and depression. God's people are hurting. Instruct them on how to put on the armor of God and take up the Sword of the Spirit to ward off the devil's deceptions.
I finally began to see there was nothing I could do to earn God's favor. Even if we obeyed all of God's commands, our lives would be as filthy rags. (Isaiah 64:6) All I could do to earn God's favor has already been done. It is only through the sacrifice of Jesus that we can approach God's throne and find the favor of God. Though sometimes we may not feel forgiven, I have learned to take God at His Word. It's a matter of choosing truth in the face of every lie. Being a Christian is more than just "being in church every time the door is open," it is a matter of trusting God for everything in your life, making Jesus Lord of your life, and doing all things for His glory. Sometimes this just means being a friend to someone and ministering to their needs-whether that means cleaning their house, giving them a ride to the doctor, picking up their groceries, or spending time with them on a lonely evening. Be an instrument for God's love to flow through you.
Today, I realize that all religion is imperfect human's attempt to worship a perfect God. I'm so glad God is not going to kick me out of His family because I don't have all the answers. Prayer is again an important part of my life. Not only is it communication with a loving God who created us for fellowship with Himself, it is my "life line."
There is a lot I could be bitter about, and I used to be. But bitterness is bondage and Jesus has set me free! God does not allow anymore than what we can bear, and He knows what it takes to get through to some of us. Things happen for a purpose. I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future. One promise that has really strengthened me is, "He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it."
Jesus felt we were worth dying for, so He is worth living for!