by Lisa Gilmer
Today, as a Christian, I look back on my life as one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and I realize how very, very blessed I am to be free from the chains that once held me captive to the Watchtower Society and it's doctrines. I also realize how fortunate I am. Many third-generation Witnesses spend countless years in "the truth" even after they've been shown undeniable proof that the Society's teachings and it's leaders are terribly wrong. I now realize that the truth is not just someone's skewed interpretation of scripture; it's much more objective than that. Furthermore, it's not only a "what", but it's a "who". Today, I really am in The Truth because I have a personal relationship with Jesus, not with an organization. He alone is my Lord, and not the Society.
A Long Tradition
My grandmother, who was the first one in our family to become a JW, began studying with the Witnesses around 1940. Interestingly enough, even though my mother was raised from childhood as a JW, my grandmother allowed my mom to date a young man who wasn't a JW. Later, she gave my mom permission to marry this young man in 1955. This "unbeliever" would become my dad five years later.
My mother wasn't a real active Witness when she married my dad. After I was born, however, she decided it was time to get back to the Kingdom Hall. As time passed, however, religious differences between mom and dad began to cause problems in their marriage. Some of my most vivid memories are of my parents fighting over religious issues. Even though Witnesses aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas, or practically any other holiday, I was allowed to experience it a couple of times as a child. These rare occasions would come only when my father would "put his foot down" and we would go to visit his non-JW family at Christmas (I found out later that they were real Christians). Even today, those few Christmas mornings are such special memories.
Now that I can look back, I realize how very much I hated growing up. I wasn't allowed to salute the flag, stand during the National Anthem, participate in school activities that focused on particular holidays, sing certain songs or be friends with "worldly" people (even though God so loved the "world" that he gave his only begotten Son). I can remember attending music classes and "mouthing" words of songs I wasn't supposed to sing. It was natural for any child my age. In my own Witness way of thinking, I rationalized that it was okay since I wasn't really singing the words. I just wanted to fit.
At my mother's insistence, I was baptized in 1974 at an assembly in Lakeland, FL. I thought that making this type of commitment and getting baptized would make me feel more secure about my own salvation. Of course, being baptized changed nothing. I still felt unworthy, and really didn't think I would make it through Armageddon, which we were told would be happening very soon. I just couldn't seem to put enough hours in service or attend enough bible studies. Even worse, I dreaded the thought of enduring the boredom of going to the Kingdom Hall. For me, the highlight of these meetings was going to the bathroom, which I did at least once every meeting.
As a result, I knew I would die in 1975. After all, we were told that Armageddon was coming that year. I remember thinking that I had three more years to live, then two more years to live, etc. etc. As the fall of 1975 approached, I was terrified (along with many other Witnesses). The dread was overwhelming. When 1975 came and went, however, it never occurred to me that maybe the Society was wrong. I just thought that they must have misjudged on their calculations. I kept this belief for many years.
High school was probably my most difficult time. I was such an introvert that every day was absolutely miserable. Ironically, the only thing that kept me sane was a "worldly" girlfriend and my JW boyfriend who attended a different school. By the time I was 17 years old, my JW boyfriend and I decided it would be better to "be together" (and I don't mean get married) for the very short time we had left before Armageddon. The outcome would be the same for both of us regardless of what we did together: total unconsciousness for eternity.
Well, God is always right, and of course we reaped what we sowed. We didn't die in Armageddon, but I did get pregnant. At the time , I didn't know which would be worse, dying in Armageddon, or experiencing the wrath of my parents and the elders. Bing an unmarried JW girl and being pregnant at the same time is a terrifying experience. Not only do you have to contend with you parent, but you have to worry about how you "brothers" and "sisters" are going to react. I kept my pregnancy a secret for almost four months. Of course, once this secret came out, my boyfriend and I got married immediately.
The "inquisition" by the elders took place about a week later. Four much older elders took part. They wanted to know every intimate, sexual detail you can imagine. I was absolutely hysterical, and I was so afraid of being disfellowshipped. To avoid being disfellowshipped, I did the only thing I believed I could do: I lied through my teeth. I worked. Instead of disfellowshipping, they decided to publicly reprove me. I was forced to sit in the Thursday night meeting while they made the announcement the I was being publicly reproved for "conduct unbecoming a Christian." At the time, I was very thankful for such a "light" sentence. My punishment included taking away my "privilege" of going door to door and answering questions at the meetings. Actually, this part of my punishment was enjoyable. For the first time, I didn't have to feel guilty for not going door to door, or not wanting to answer question at the meetings.
After one year, my privileges were reinstated. But even after I had been reinstated, I was never treated quite the same even though I continued attending meetings for five more years, or until 1982. Slowly, I began to realize that the only kind of love I had ever received or seen in the congregation was conditional love. Eventually, I stopped attending meetings. At this point in my life, my mom and dad were also getting into some "heated" arguments over their religious differences. As a result, we all stopped attending meetings at about the same time. It was never an issue we discussed openly, we simply became irregular in our meeting attendance. Surprisingly, (or not surprisingly) we never had another brother or sister visit to find out what was wrong, or to see how we were getting along.
Although we stopped attending meetings physically, I was still very much attached to the Society emotionally and doctrinally. I continued to believe the Kingdom Hall was the only place I could learn "the truth" and that I simply would never be able to live up to Jehovah's requirements. In fact, I continued to believe this way for the next 12 years.
In 1985, I read the book Crisis of Conscience, by Ray Franz. I knew the book was considered an "apostate," book, but it helped me immensely. It enabled me to understand that there were some serious internal problem within the Society and the Governing Body. Unfortunately, I still couldn't understand why many of the Society's practices and teachings were considered cultic by many people. In fact, I never once thought that the Society's doctrines could be wrong, even though they did make some false prophecies.
A Light Shines
In 1994, my husband's job took us from Florida to Tennessee. Immediately after we had settled into our new home, my husband's boss wanted to know if we were Christians. I was infuriated at his question, but I really didn't know how to answer him. At his invitation, my husband and I decided to visit his church, The idea of stepping into another church was traumatic, but we went anyway. I wasn't what I expected. I was shocked by the love I felt from these people toward me and toward each other. The first time I heard real Christian hymns, I cried and cried. I remember standing there in that small Baptist church just bawling my eyes out.
We continued going to this church and eventually I found myself looking forward to attending church meetings. I also began to realize that I could only be saved by God's grace, and not by my works. Six months later , my husband and I both publicly professed our faith in Christ. We also began to read an accurate translation of the bible--not he New Word Translation. I quickly realized how much the Society had "twisted" God's words in their own version of the bible.
The period of moving beyond thinking like a JW to thinking like a Christian took about six months for me. During this time, I was very emotional, I cried almost constantly, I was dealing with so many things. First and foremost, I was comprehending what Jesus had done on the Cross, and for the fact that he had opened my eyes to the false teachings of the Society. At the same time, however, I was very angry at the Society for everything they had put me through, and angry at myself for allowing the Society to control my life. I also felt, and continue to feel, intense compassion for all the JWs still deceived by the Society. Fortunately, God has given me and my husband a lot of compassion for JWs who are still trapped by the Society's deceptive teachings.
Both my husband and I still have family members who are JWs, and now that Jesus has given us eyes that can see, we take every opportunity we can to show our JW family member, and others, that they are being deceived. If they could just understand that Jesus is the only Way (John 14:6), and that He alone has words of eternal life (John 6:67,68). I now understand that early Christians were witnesses of Jesus(Acts 1:8, 13:30,31). We are also called to testify about what He has done, and that is what I strive to do daily, especially when I come in contact with JWs. I am proud to tell people that I was raised as a JW. I want them to know what Jesus can do for someone who is willing to come to Him. I only pray that God will open their eyes like He has opened mine.
Lisa Gilmer